37 Comments

I should have done this earlier



 

I honestly have no idea where I started this at. But this is where I am at today, 10 days in.

I do feel like I have more energy, the stomach cramps have all but stopped. I almost hung up on a customer yesterday because I had to take an emergency run to the little girls room, but no harm no foul on that part. I cannot say I feel any different other than a little bit of metallic taste, and I don’t think I am having to shave my beard as often as I did two weeks ago.

 

A dear friend of mine said she admired my writing because I am “Unflinchingly honest” about what is happening in my world, I am not sure exactly what that means, I do tweet about my blog, and post about it on face book, but only because I know how reading other people going through the exact same things I am going through made me feel normal. Reading about Jenny Lawson having an anxiety attack by hearing sirens at her daughters school made me realize holy shit I am “normal” in some ways.  That the panic attack I had in January, when I literally did not sleep for two days because I could not face what was really happening when I closed my eyes, while not -right- certainly I was not the only one who has ever been through this.

I honestly thought it was just me, who had a closet or a desk they hid under when they got scared and could not breathe, I honestly thought I was the only one who would spiral down into that fucked up state of depression that made me feel fat, useless, ugly and alone. Forever. I honestly thought it was just me. It wasn’t until a random post about a giant metal chicken led me to Jennys blog, and then a few others…that made me realize I was not alone. That is why I started putting it all down on paper. Or text any way, and then started sharing it. BECAUSE IT MIGHT HELP someone see that they are not alone. My family has massively condemned me over this. My sister in law shrieked at me on my blog about how shameful it was I was speaking about this. I am not ashamed.

 

Am I brave enough yet to put my face on here yet? I honestly don’t know. I hate how I look in pictures, yet I see that in you as well, the images you post of yourselves, are they something you all look at and say “Fuck yeah I’m hot?” no. I can see how you all look at the images of yourselves and say “Well this is me, fuck yeah this is me, and by god I am going to be myself”. How silly it is that I am not brave enough to post a silly picture of myself? Seriously what the h?

 

Well here is why these are my measurements as of this morning, I am the “People of walmart” you guys…but I am working on changing that. I am. It will happen.

 

 

 

waist 43

hips 52

bust (at the nipple line) 45

 

right thigh 27

 

left thigh 26

 

 

In other news, a man I met once was found dead sunday morning, a friend of mine is getting a mighty accolade this weekend, I have made the confession that I cannot bake, to save my life. Well I can make the hell out of cakes, but I cannot bake cookies, oh hails no. Seriously my dogs wouldn’t even eat them. And they eat their own poop from time to time, how is that for confidence raising?

 

yes, this is me....frightening eh? I'm sorry for the nightmares

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37 comments on “I should have done this earlier

  1. I went through a difficult phase, took a few years to come out of it, won’t give you my life story! Ha! Maybe I should WRITE ABOUT IT! GOODNESS FORBID!

    Sorry for the shouting.

    I’m over my anger, I mean my rage, I mean my depression, I mean I’m not yelling at you.

    Love what you are doing with this blog and what you are saying. It is inspiring to others who are… who they are.

    Gives me lots to think about!

  2. Kudos for being brave enough to post your measurements (and a photo). It’s refreshing to read content from others that are willing to take that leap. I did the same last year when I had to write an article for a magazine about my weight. I felt like once I “threw it out into the universe” for all to see, it would make me more likely to stick with it…to save face.

    Best of luck with your health journey. I’ll stop by often to read about your progress!

    • Thank you so much! I can just imagine how terrifying that could have been. This is just “family and friends and the like” not -the whole world- still in my mind!

      how did that help?

  3. My thoughts are usually more organized as I’m trying to convey a sense of camaraderie, but it’s been a long day, and my kids who left for the park an hour ago have probably been kidnapped, I should call someone’s cell phone to be sure, and before I do, lemme say: this post spoke to me like it had been my best friend for the past 10 years. I loved every part of it. Your thoughts were all over the place, and that’s especially okay when we’re getting them from our heads onto paper. Thanks for linking up and welcome to the yeah write grid.

    • Oh wow I thought I was the only one whose kids did that, err kid, singular please dear Gods don’t give me more kids.

      I am so glad you felt that way! I am never “in one place” or singular, or ….linear or some other word that is what it should be meant.

  4. I commend your commitment and offer up encouragement! You can do this! And completely empathize with the not carrying to share my own image. Even when I was doing P90X and getting serious results, I was never brave enough to list any of my measurements. You are braver than I, my friend.

    • -hugs- thank you Janin, you inspire me in a lot of ways, did you know that? I read your blog, and wonder if I can do it…

      but it is because of you, that a lot of the drawings on this blog came to be

  5. Good luck with your goals!

  6. I am totally of the opinion that putting it down and getting it OUT really helps…both for the blogger and the bloggee…or writer and reader. So much potential for help… Nice to see you 🙂

  7. I love your honesty, Lori. It takes a lot of courage to share wholeheartedly as you do. Wishing you all the best in reaching your goals 😉

  8. I think it’s wonderful that you’re honest and putting it out there. Good luck with everything, Lori.

  9. It takes true courage to write the truth. I commend you for that. Don’t sell yourself short for living in reality–a lot of writers don’t!! Also, I think you’re lovely. 🙂 Best of luck on your journey!

  10. I like your photo, and your post. More, more!

  11. Just remember that your writing is for you and no one else (meaning – who cares that your family might freak, you’re doing what you feel is right). Good luck!

  12. As far as I can tell by looking at your past posts and this one you are talking about yourself and your struggles. If your family is troubled by that, well that’s their baggage. I agree with the honest and brave portraits – you are both. I only wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. No one will have nightmares looking at your photo. I see a lovely face. You’ll do it, you’ll lose the weight you want to lose. I sense the ambition in your posts. I hope you’ll keep us updated. Cheers!

  13. Truth is gold. You’re rockin’ it!

  14. I think you are very brave to put it all out here. Isn’t that the beauty of blogging? Putting our hearts out there and seeing the support and the healing that happens with the hit of the publish button. Good luck as you continue your journey.

  15. That’s the beauty of the blog, if people don’t like what you’re saying just tell them to stop reading! Good luck with your goals

  16. Thank you!

    I totally am enjoying the journey,

  17. I can tell you that being “unflinchingly honest” (if that’s what you’re being) is bad ass and cool, as is your writing. I could offer up a whole bunch of encouragement and sappy stuff, but I think I’ve just decided to go with: keep doing what you’re doing. Because you aren’t alone…and neither are the people who read this and realize they aren’t either.

    • First off? Bad ass site name. Second thank you!

      I don’t really know of any other way to be with this, I mean….why lie?

  18. Love your brave, honest voice. Keep it up. Erin

  19. It’s amazing how the vast world of the internet can make us feel less alone. You aren’t – not with the anxiety, the depression or the not liking how you look. I hate every single picture of me ever taken. Ever. Good job getting an honest piece out there!

  20. Good for you on making your goals a reality and being honest about the process! That is really so important!

  21. I really, Really (capital R) appreciate the irreverent style of this post. I like it for its straightforward bravery and for the vulnerable pieces of information.

    Congrats on putting a face to the post!

  22. I really appreciate this post. I have been looking everywhere for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You have made my day! Thanks again

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