6 Comments

What it means to be a “cutter”


I started writing a blog the beginning of December, on a consistent basis. At this point it has become hugely inconsistent, for a few reasons. The first being I really didn’t know what to write about. I had written about self harm, about depression, about losing a kitten.

I have written book reviews, I have talked about how honored I was at being asked to go to a blogging convention. I have written about being diagnosed with RA.

A few days ago, I decided it was time for me to get a tattoo. I had many times thought about it, about actually doing it. Friday I finally did. I was so afraid, one, because…I was afraid I would chicken out. Another, because yes I get aroused by pain. ***motherfucker*** wouldn’t that be embarrassing as hell? I was prepared for that. But…what I was not ready for was that I laughed.

It tickled?
Like to the point I was giggling in my chair and he had to stop. I do realize that the tickle reflex is the same as the pain reflex. I realize though that I have thought about this. There was a few spots that felt…I won’t lie, stupidly good and I wish he could have stayed there with the gun for longer.

There is the other side…that some spots made me clench my teeth and hope he would hurry up and move on, cause holy mother of god that spot hurt. I am pretty amazed in general at how little it hurt.

A few have asked, so I’ll explain.

The teal ribbon, is for PCOS awareness, basically I am hairy as a man and can’t really explain it, but it feels like my ovaries go nuclear each month and explode.e

The white ribbon, or silver. Is for Self Harm awareness. I’ve been pretty open about it, but yes….I cut. I self harm. Oddly enough when I am in a “real” ds relationship I don’t. I get the “pain” from that. So I don’t need it there.

When I’m not…I find ways off getting the pain, or bruises I feel like I need.

THEN

comes the phrase.

My dad was a navy man, the “harbour” is spelt that way for two very special men.

The phrase though comes from Lydia. A friend. who told me that to remind myself that being “safe” isn’t always best.

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6 comments on “What it means to be a “cutter”

  1. You’re amazing. I love you.

  2. I think this is the first I’ve heard of someone saying a tattoo tickled them.

    Nice post, anyway.

  3. This is my first time visiting your blog (got here through The Bloggess), and I just wanted to say that 1) I love that tattoo, the phrase is fantastic and 2) I also had a tattoo that tickled! Mine is on the top of my foot (which everyone told me would hurt a lot) and it did hurt a bit, but mostly it was neutral, and sometimes felt good. Funny weird! 🙂

  4. First time visiting your blog. I really liked your post. I got my first and only tat (that’s what tattoo people can say to refer to their tattoos) on my back. I just always wanted to get one for the experience I guess. I got mine on my back underneath my bra line because I don’t want to share my tat with the world, it’s nothing gross or weird, just a little butterfly. I wasn’t able to see the tat artist work since he was behind me the whole time, so I just had the touch sense to guide me. It seriously felt like a razor blade was slowly being pulled around my back for an hour. I didn’t like the sensation at all. About 5 minutes into getting my tat, the artist said, “Wow, you bleed alot.” That really grossed me out, I have a feeling if I would have saw the blood, I would have passed out. Which maybe would have been a good thing. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, I love what you got done, very creative.

I love comments...and Skittles TASTE THE RAINBOW

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