I’m starting this with no clear title today. Normally I have some major theme that is stuck in my head, today will most likely be lots of rambling and not making much sense. I have just come out of a pretty major depression downfall. I tried my damnest to push someone away that I shouldn’t have. I attempted to shut down and start the hiding cycle again.
That didn’t happen this time, thank gods that person didn’t let me push them away, didn’t let me say “I am not good enough for you, I’m broken.” Because I need them in my life. I see the beauty that is around me and I know I am absolutely so blessed by this. The Bloggess says “Depression lies”. I want to say yes, yes it does. That voice in your head that says you are worthless, that you have no point. It is a lying son of a bitch.
I am broken, I have mild to moderate social anxiety. I have mild to moderate depression. I have..mild ocd. I have an impulse control issue where I just blurt phrases out with no point to them. I see myself in odd situations where normal people don’t do what I do. I drove into a coffee shop (not literally cause that would be stupid and ordered an ice coffee that I didn’t even want just to keep myself from having a police man follow me when I was driving.
Normal people don’t do that shit. They just don’t. They don’t hear sirens outside their house and start shaking. Normal people don’t think of going outside to walk the dogs like it is the most terrifying thing that has ever existed. I am tired of being broken like that.
If given the choice between being how I am, and not being how I am. I don’t think I would change.
I would cut out the self harm, because the lattice work of scars that are slowly growing, are not pretty. I see them. but…I can wear sleeveless shirts and no one else notices them. I don’t quite understand that side of me. I just know that it helps. Not in the way a lot of people say it helps, it helps by removing me from that situation. I feel that pain and it stops what I am feeling, and I am able to go on. It stops the “You are worthless” thoughts. I can’t be worthless if I can feel that.
There is no “Happy ending”
no “conclusion” to this blog post, because there is no end to this.
if you are in this cycle, email@example.com
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FIND ME. I will talk to you, FIND someone who will talk to you.