28 Comments

the world is crazy


I’m starting this with no clear title today. Normally I have some major theme that is stuck in my head, today will most likely be lots of rambling and not making much sense. I have just come out of a pretty major depression downfall. I tried my damnest to push someone away that I shouldn’t have. I attempted to shut down and start the hiding cycle again.

That didn’t happen this time, thank gods that person didn’t let me push them away, didn’t let me say “I am not good enough for you, I’m broken.” Because I need them in my life. I see the beauty that is around me and I know I am absolutely so blessed by this. The Bloggess says “Depression lies”. I want to say yes, yes it does. That voice in your head that says you are worthless, that you have no point. It is a lying son of a bitch.

I am broken, I have mild to moderate social anxiety. I have mild to moderate depression. I have..mild ocd. I have an impulse control issue where I just blurt phrases out with no point to them. I see myself in odd situations where normal people don’t do what I do. I drove into a coffee shop (not literally cause that would be stupid and ordered an ice coffee that I didn’t even want just to keep myself from having a police man follow me when I was driving.

Normal people don’t do that shit. They just don’t. They don’t hear sirens outside their house and start shaking. Normal people don’t think of going outside to walk the dogs like it is the most terrifying thing that has ever existed. I am tired of being broken like that.

However.

If given the choice between being how I am, and not being how I am. I don’t think I would change.

I would cut out the self harm, because the lattice work of scars that are slowly growing, are not pretty. I see them. but…I can wear sleeveless shirts and no one else notices them. I don’t quite understand that side of me. I just know that it helps. Not in the way a lot of people say it helps, it helps by removing me from that situation. I feel that pain and it stops what I am feeling, and I am able to go on. It stops the “You are worthless” thoughts. I can’t be worthless if I can feel that.

There is no “Happy ending”

no “conclusion” to this blog post, because there is no end to this.

if you are in this cycle, lhannis@gmail.com
ladyeji on twitter

FIND ME. I will talk to you, FIND someone who will talk to you.

Get help.

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28 comments on “the world is crazy

  1. This was brave of you to write. Thank-you for sharing.

  2. I can totally relate to making an unnecessary stop so a police officer stops following! I always try to shrug off my paranoia! Now I know I am not the only one! Thanks for the post!

  3. LOVE how you ended it by putting yourself out there. That was unbelievably brave.

  4. Aw, I’m sorry you’re struggling!

  5. “If given the choice between being how I am, and not being how I am. I don’t think I would change.”

    That is exactly right. Good for you.

  6. It must have taken a lot of courage to write this post. I have to salute you for that. What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

  7. This was very brave. So many posts this week that I can’t relate to, but am still wanting to help, to understand, to find in myself the bravery to head into the fray without the protection of my humor.

    Perhaps within the folds of the yeah write bravery collective, we can all find our darker voices and release some of the demons that possess us.

    Thanks for leading the way…
    WG

    • Sometimes, just reading just posting just letting us know we aren’t alone? Does more good than having the same demons we have.

  8. I think that having bloggers talk openly about social anxiety and depression will hopefully start taking some of the stigma away. You’re helping others know that they can talk about it too. I hope you have more good days than bad.

    • I am hoping it will do just that. Let people know that we are all a little messed up and forever broken.
      If it wasn’t for other bloggers, I wouldn’t have known that what I was going through was that …common?
      I can remember someone telling me that “If you need medication to be sane you shouldn’t have a child”.

      All I could think was *WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?*

      So I had that mentality that it was shameful, but it isn’t. It is common.

  9. thank you for writing this. thank you for being so brave to share this. i think we all are broken in some way and can all relate- in some way. so, again, thank you.

  10. I hope the act of writing and publishing this helped a little. . .and if not, I guarantee you it will help someone else or many someone elses, so good for you for putting it out there.

    • it has meant I’m able to be open with my family.

      Which is both good and bad, some of my family has disowned me, some have become massively supportive.

  11. I struggle with the cycles of depression and my anxiety seems to get worse as I get older. I really felt this post, deep in my gut. I hope you feel better after getting it out.

  12. I’ve been down the road of anxiety and depression too. It’s hard. Wishing you more good days than bad.

  13. Talking about it is a good thing. And brave. As you seem to know what’s behind the darkness, to an extent, that helps alleviate some, though doesn’t eliminate those feelings. It’s great that you offered your email for others. Talking helps. I’m glad that’s what you’re doing. I wish you progress.

  14. I am honestly not a Bible pusher, but to convey a love to you that I have found… this is the only way I can do it. Look up John 3:16. He really is my strength and makes me want to go each and every day. I will pray for you and hope you have a wonderful life.

    • I get where you are coming from. I am not christian, but I can understand how that gives you strength!

      thank you so much for stopping by!

  15. Brave and encouraging. I’ve been there. I’ve been in this place so many times. It hurts to be there…but it helps to know that I’m not alone.

    You and The Blogger are absolutely right: Depression lies. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put quite that way, but it’s undeniably true.

  16. I don’t know what normal is, but I do know that it’s important that we are aware of our strengths and challenges. It seems like you’re there – and that’s a lot further ahead than many others.

    And ps: I’ve totally pulled into a few parking lots or to the side of the road to let cops pass!

  17. I admire your bravery and am glad you have a steadfast person in your life who will not allow you to push him or her away. Ellen

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