I never thought I would write -this- blog post. For one. I have not been able to lose weight due to poly cystic ovaries. In layman’s terms, what that means, is my eggs to nuclear explode on my ovaries creating cysts. Which hurts, causes all sorts of fucked up hormonal shit, including, my all time favorite. A full on beard. That’s right ya’ll the blogger you read every now and then could be a circus freak. The bearded lady Right here.
I didn’t think admitting all of this would bring me to tears, yet I’m warning each of you. I will probably stop making sense, in approximately 3 seconds. I am 5’3. I weigh in at 242.5lbs. Clinically I am obese. Morbidly so. My body hair grows alarmingly fast, apparently that is caused by androgen or something that I don’t understand. My hair gets somewhat greasy, and it all makes me look like -the- fat slob we all look at and say “do not ever let me look like that”. Yep. I am the horror story folks.
So. Finally I am fed up. Metformin is the most commonly used “drug” used to treat pcos. I have low insulin anyway, so the thought of going on this scares me. Will it get so low again I sleep for a week? I am trying it however. I have also started Phentermine, as well as an anti anxiety/depression pill. Along with a birth control bill. Which leaves me again feeling as if, holy shit if this works great, if it doesn’t, am I going to hate myself again?.
I have mentioned the cutting in a previous post, and yes this is something I do. I won’t go into the “hows” but suffice it to say there is absolutely no scars. At all. From it. I am however worried that if this fails, it will get worse, and I will move on from what I currently do, to something more extreme. This worries me. People have read my blog, my family, has read my blog and attacked me personally over things that have been said. My sister in law, took the steam right out of a story I was writing, and honestly I don’t know how to get it back. My brother called me in tears, wanting me to “stop just stop”. Laying 4 million guilt trips on me, for finally being honest. We haven’t spoken since.
So, if this doesn’t work. If I can’t lose this weight, if I cannot stop being…well…I make a better body type man, than most men I know then what? Women don’t want to date hairy women, men don’t want to date the same type. I am not one to measure my self worth by having someone in my bed or on my couch, but apparently my family thinks I am worthless with out this. Not my extended family, they are pretty awesome about all of this. My sister I have personally cut out of my life, I do not need that sort of …negativity in my world.
This is all related to the depression though, if I cannot be myself with my family, who can I be myself with?
So here goes.
This started out as a first in a weight loss blog, so that is how it will end.
I have yet to show a photo of myself..
okay I lied
I can’t figure out how to upload it here.
will post one eventually. If I don’t chicken out