I didn’t cut.
I wanted too, oh dear gods did I want too. I needed it. I still do. So I’m writing here to keep myself from it.
It was a good day, it is a good day. I woke up with a voice that sounded like the march of the penguins, I went to work,
I found out I was at 15% upgrades, the goal is just 3 %, So I am seriously on the over achievers.
Goal is 1.89% downgrades…I am at 1.67. Again, smashing the goals. I have no reason I should be wanting to feel that tonight, but I do.
Then. I realized something.
I wanted too because I wasn’t 100% honest last night.
I told my brother, I wasn’t a christian. I’m not. This should come as no shock to many people but to him I think it probably did.
I should have told him something else.
His wife asked about if there was a “boy” in my life, or a guy or something.
There isn’t there probably won’t ever be.
Now if they had asked, if there was “anyone” I might have had an answer for them.
A girl, there might be.
there is someone I am seriously crushing on. I think about her lips, her dread locks, everything all the time.
And yet…I am afraid of what they will think, what they will say.
and yet, I’m sitting here. It’s everything I can do to not…want to cut to hurt myself,
and again All I want is held. but no I want them to know, to accept it.
DJ, I love you. Can you accept this part of me? if you can’t I need to know.