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so….Today I didn’t.


I didn’t cut.

I wanted too, oh dear gods did I want too. I needed it. I still do. So I’m writing here to keep myself from it.
It was a good day, it is a good day. I woke up with a voice that sounded like the march of the penguins, I went to work,
I found out I was at 15% upgrades, the goal is just 3 %, So I am seriously on the over achievers.

Goal is 1.89% downgrades…I am at 1.67. Again, smashing the goals. I have no reason I should be wanting to feel that tonight, but I do.

Then. I realized something.

I wanted too because I wasn’t 100% honest last night.

I told my brother, I wasn’t a christian. I’m not. This should come as no shock to many people but to him I think it probably did.

I should have told him something else.

His wife asked about if there was a “boy” in my life, or a guy or something.

There isn’t there probably won’t ever be.

Now if they had asked, if there was “anyone” I might have had an answer for them.

A girl, there might be.

there is someone I am seriously crushing on. I think about her lips, her dread locks, everything all the time.

And yet…I am afraid of what they will think, what they will say.

and yet, I’m sitting here. It’s everything I can do to not…want to cut to hurt myself,

and again All I want is held. but no I want them to know, to accept it.

DJ, I love you. Can you accept this part of me? if you can’t I need to know.

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6 comments on “so….Today I didn’t.

  1. I have my own ways of hurting myself. I think we all do.

    Nice you hear you have a crush! I have had my share of girl crushes 🙂

  2. Heyya kiddo, It’s your brother.

    All I want is you to be happy. I can’t say I am ecstatic about it, but I don’t hate it either. I will always love you.

    Now, onto other things. you never did tell me about your novel. Give up some details.

    Love you,

    DJ

    • oh! some details eh? lol
      ummmm well it’s about a girl, who errr does stuff?

      it is sorta muddled in my head, cause there is two, and i’m trying to separate them

      and thank you for not being ecstatic but accepting. I do love you and I love how close we’ve gotten

  3. So very glad to hear that you didn’t cut! It’s so hard not to when things get hard, when you do something that scares you, when you’re brave the way you were and tell someone something you needed to tell them. But it’s such a positive thing, not cutting, not hurting yourself–AND the things you’ve done! I hope you can take that in, take the good things in. 🙂 Good luck with the girl you like, too.

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