(This picture has nothing to do with this post, I just like it)
This weekend I spent my time in Salt Lake at the company party. Friday night was interesting and honestly rather exhausting. I played poker with the guys, and lost my ass, but all in all it was rather good. Thank god I wasn’t having to pay for it. It’s been so long since I’ve played all in all I think I did rather well. I ended up going all in just so I could go pee. It sucks to get old and feel that going pee is more important than trying to stay and win $100.
I had a bit of a break down during the party, how can someone be surrounded in a huge crowd like that and sob your eyes out because you feel alone? I was bawling for about 5 minutes, it amazed me how no one noticed. Not a one. Or if they did they were probably frightened to death by the insane woman sobbing. That was probably it.
I ended up being okay in the end but holy crow for a while there it was touch and go. I did enjoy the party all told and the company is rolling out some pretty decent pay raises. So I am thinking I will go part time, with the company and get another job somewhere else, here’s my reasoning. I cannot afford to feel panicked about my job and my income. I don’t think they realize that when they hire some people. When I had my “promised” income I was selling like crazy I was relaxed out in the field I sold cause I felt safe, I was motivated. I wasn’t worried about not being able to pay the bills, or keep food on the table or anything along those lines. For me it works better. I still want to sell for TLP and do the job for them. I truly do believe in this company. It’s hard to feel safe though when you have to tell your kiddo that there isn’t a christmas or there isn’t thing you promised them.
That reminds me, I need to fix my daughters bike….some way some how when I get home. All that I need to do is put a new inner tube in the bike, but the person that put the bike together put the nuts on so tight you have to be superman to get them on. Holy crow. That said I’ll just put on my big girl panties and get it done.
I got into an argument on facebook last night, about why I don’t date, and it all came from the realization that ½ the men I have dated in the past are now openly gay. Now that could be that I have just ruined them for women for ever (good or bad I guess) or, that well I cannot attract men that are into women. It could be the beard I grow. I have better facial hair than some men I know. Damned PCOS. It sucks. But I explained there aren’t any men. Now I don’t need a man to be happy, (the depression does that for me thanks). But on the whole I am picky as hell. First of all a man has to be able to put up with my insanity cause lets face it there is some insane stuff that goes on in my world. I am not quite as cool as some women I know, I wish I could say I was. But honestly I am too afraid half the time to be anything other than I am. But he came back with the sarcastic answer of “what do you live in the amazon kingdom”. I pointed out, if it was the amazon kingdom it wouldn’t be a kingdom it would be a queendom, first, it’s women not men..ha ha queens not kings. Second, I didn’t ask for their sarcasm. I don’t need that from any one thanks. I am quite capable of throwing my own ‘you are not worthy’s’ with out his help. Granted he then went on to say “you should just date instead of complaining you don’t have a life” well Fuck him. I gave birth to my child, not my mom it I my job to raise her not the other way around. So no I don’t go to bars, or speed dating or any of that shit. Because first of all that never has been me. Fuck did I just begin that sentence with a preposition? I think I did. Well bollocks.
At the moment I am writing this while sitting at Denver international air port out in the “scary plane” section. You know the ones that look like glorified crop dusters? It’s all alright though I enjoy flying, and for the first time in a long time I don’t feel like I am headed to disaster when I get on board a plane. I think its a good thing. I am not running through the potential, what if we crash, theres no body of water so the floatation devices aren’t going to do me a shit load of good if I cannot get them to be something I can bounce off tarmac on. Well I guess we might fly over Pueblo reservoir but even that we would have to crash at those precise moments. Of the 3 miles the lake is long. So what’ that…a 20 second window in an air port. I suppose a really good pilot could do that. But strangely I am not concerned. I suppose that means either I am not having the panic attacks today, at which point win for me, or..my body has just gone numb and said yanno what we can’t deal with you any more you just have to cope on your own and stop messing with us. My ticker is probably wore out from the stress I put it under.
Wow. This has gotten to be over 1000 words, I am so excited. That is the longest I’ve written in a very long time. I am rather proud of that. Small goals right?
I saw something and I was wishing my camera was good enough to capture it, but on CNN the other day this was the headlines I read. “Cheating among Radiologists on the rise”. Now are they cheating on their spouses? Cheating on their pay checks? Or cheating and saying “no you don’t have cancer” when you actually do? What the hell does that mean? Of course I was in an area where we didn’t have sound. Seriously what the fuck does that mean. I am sure I could google it, but they shouldn’t fuck with peoples minds like that. Or anyway my mind like that, because that’s what I think about.
I will be uploading a few pictures from the company party to word press. Which btw I am thinking is pretty fucking bad ass. I took them with the night vision app, and the thermal vision app. DUDE they came out so good. Granted I cannot tell who the damned hell they are, but well that is alright, right? It’s about art, and expression. Or….some shit like that.
I was asked the other day to write a fiction story.
Sadly my idea’s are as follows.
yeah I am leaning towards 3 what say ya’ll?
Cause that’s about as close as I can get to an idea. Yeah. I hate being put on the spot like that.
The last time I tried to write, Richard laughed at the story and said it was a waste of time.
Lovely, no I am not going to think about that. Nope. I’m not. I will however consider it a win that I wrote that, and didn’t want to go hurt myself in some way. Yay win.
Random…some guy just walked past saying “I feel like a muggle from Harry Potter.” wow I wish I had heard the entire story there.
I’m sorry this is getting so wordy.
Oh while sitting waiting for sales meetings and the like, I have been knitting. I am about 1/3 the way done with a simple shawl. I feel so much like this one cartoon I saw. Yes I am aware I can buy this type thing in a store, yes I am aware metal knitting needles can be used to stab some one. No I am not about to do that to someone. Yes the TSA allows them. Look. Just because YOU sit there and think of 90million ways to kill some one with the things that are allowed on a plane does not mean the rest of us do. Holy shitsnacks.
The knitting is coming along rather swimmingly though. Granted it is not a thong, no one wants 100% wool on their snatch, thanks. Jeez. When someone is creating something that they are putting their heart and soul into, please do not tell them that what they are making looks like a piece of underwear, unless of course they ARE making that, but when they specifically say “I am making X” don’t tell them it looks like that. Seriously. I work hard to make what I make and try and make it look good. Doesn’t mean it alway’s turns out. But now I want to throw my project away, and say “well I obviously suck so why bother” ? And I know they don’t mean it like that but that’s how it sounds. Argh it’s annoying.
Why screw with someone like that? Do people get pleasure out of making others feel significant and a waste of space? Cause by doing that, they just did. I realize my family probably considers me that. It really creeps them the hell out when I say I plan on going back to school to become a funeral director, and worse that I want to specialize in green funerals. I have no problem with them, in fact I think they are more healthy in the long run for the planet anyway. But hey you know me and my radical idea’s. I tend to not be what people think and all. The only thing I am worried about, is…babies, and children. That would be very hard to deal with and cope with, seeing the young taken so early. But at the same time people need someone who is compassionate who won’t be a complete jack ass. I think anyway.
Sorry I tend to go off on random tangents and it’s worse when i’m tuck at an airport with out any internet. Out here in scary plane territory there isn’t any wifi. Which means I cannot see what my favorite bloggers are up too, or I cannot look at funny cat pics on face book. It’s SOPA isn’t it. They shut me down already. Damnit I knew this would happen. Or possibly it’s mice. It’s mice isn’t it? Holy crap…no I know my dad would have said it was the prairie dogs. Maybe I should get a stuffed one in honor of him. But then SOPA would probably say I was stealing the intellectual property of someone by having a stuffed animal or something along those lines. Can they be intellectual property? Or just property. I like random creepy things like that maybe it’s not a bad thing maybe its a good thing. Or maybe hell I don’t know and i’m just writing to keep myself from noticing there’s ice on the propellers out there? Just vomiting thoughts here on the word doc? That’s it. That’s what I am doing. I am glad I found out how awesome it is to write my thoughts out on here. I am not afraid of people reading it. I love each and every one of you who has, and who has commented. Those comments make me feel alive.
On another note, I have been looking into the treatments for anxiety, and depression. I have decided to get on those meds. Which ever ones my dr’s can get me, that won’t kill me in the mean time. But I have to do something to get this under control so I can function in a normal society. Or semi normal society.
Wow I really should stop going so many days in between posts. Cause dude…this has gotten to be a very long post. Very long. 2068…that’s my word count right here.