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Insecurity, or how to drive yourself insane in 5 easy steps.


1st. listen to someone else “This is how you have to talk, this is how you have to be, this is…”

2nd. listen to talk like “You are nothing, you don’t deserve blah blah blah”

oh there are other steps, but I won’t specifically get into them. Other people have written as to what you can do to get over this or why you should get over this or what you can do to be “normal” to stop that horrible ache in your chest and stop feeling as though you were dying inside because of various different reasons. I cannot begin to explain why I am so insecure, it could be I was always compared to my older brother and sister. My sister was the starting server for her volley ball team, could serve amazingly was “perfect” when it came to that. My brother, was salutatorian for his high school. I couldn’t pass math.  Insecurity and depression are horrible disgusting things, and any one who tells you you should “get over it” can kiss my ass. It is not that easy.

Whether or not any one else compared me to my brother or my sister, I did. I saw myself as “not good enough” for them. I married Richard, I had a child, he left me, for my best friend because she was “better” than me. He didn’t see that i had given up myself to be what ever he wanted me to be. He didn’t see that. All he saw was in his words a “pathetic waste of space who should just go some where and die”.  But it was okay for him to get the mental help he needed. I was told if I went back on anti depressants he would see I was declared unfit to have my child.

At the moment I have no health insurance, and probably won’t for at least 90 days so it will be that long before I get medical care, I know I need to be back on anti depressants, possibly anti anxiety drugs, I don’t know. I know at times my mind is a scary god damned place to live in it’s one of the most terrifying places I have ever seen. More scary than any horror movie I’ve ever been too.

I am working on my mind being clearer and not acting as though it is out to kill me. I see myself doing things that I wish I didn’t. I joke, that crazy is the new normal, but I don’t want to feel crazy any more, I don’t want to feel like i’m not good enough for new clothes, that I don’t deserve to be happy. Am I really that woman that is so pathetic I should give up? I would like to think not.But….what if Richard was right

 

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4 comments on “Insecurity, or how to drive yourself insane in 5 easy steps.

  1. unfortunately I have #2 installed on my hard drive….hardwired into my brain. So whenever I have someone on the outside world reflect that…it’s even more difficult. But I do think it is something that can be shifted over time. I’m much better than I used to be. 🙂

  2. Been there done that – have the empty pill bottles to prove it. I highly recommend St John’s Wort for depression. It has far fewer side effects than the prescription drugs is FAR cheaper and can be had at any drugstore without a prescription or a $300 office visit to the doctor.

    Re-orienting the thinking is tougher to do. It usually requires help. That can come in the form of a counselor or therapist, or maybe just a good friend and a good book on overcoming depression. Read it together, let them help you find your true self. Through it all, know that you are not alone, you are not some weirdo suffering things no one else could understand. It is very common.

    Start here: http://allandouglas.hubpages.com/hub/Confessions-of-a-Depression-Survivor

    It gets better, really!

    • I have to say I didn’t realize bursting into tears in public places was that much of a sign, I honestly thought it was my normal.

      but that said. it is what it is.

      I took a while to respond to your message, because I didn’t know how to. Not with out sounding like I was an ungrateful snob.

      I’m not…I just still cannot express what all I am thinking after reading your blog.

      I will though. I promise

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