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vomiting thoughts.

so, apparantly i’ve become a “she-ex” as opposed to the he ex’s i suppose? i don’t know I know that am comfortable completely with that title, but what can i do? I mean they are horrible people. I know they say they aren’t, that they are the “wounded parties”. and I know it’s been over three years. Three years. Three years, six months to be precise, well to be presice it’s three years five months and 11 days. Yes I admit at times i’ve been horrible. I have i admit that fully.
But so have they, he has deliberately wound me up to the point i’m shaking, sobbing, and wanting to curl up under my desk or in my closet, safe places dear reader, where I go when i need to hide.
Lately though, I have this place in my head, it’s rather clean..this place in my head, has a wonderful bed within it, with this lovely bed and white blankets, this couch, and it reminds me of a tree house. A real tree house, the kind that is sorta swiss family robinson. That is my safe place inside my head, if you see me staring off into the distance at times. or if i see myself doing that, that’s most likely where I am. I really must find that picture, or save it the next time i am near it. because it really is the safest place I know.
I do admit t hat i’m rambling and it has nothing to do with vomiting thoughts. Well i am. I am just throwing them out on the paper, not letting myself think about who or what might read this.
deliberately not hurting myself any more, i am putting all my thoughts here, yes even the things i’m proud of. One I am proud, Intensely proud that I have sold as much as I have for infinity. Am i hitting sales goals? Yes i am. apparantly i am the “best paid employee” in the company. yeah well I work fucking hard for it. they act like it’s just thrown at me? 40% of my sales are coming from greets. 40%
in a mall where we get on average 30 walk ups a day??? alright 80% of those do not buy, but we get them by god. and I sell them. Brian can say what he thinks no i don’t *alway’s * do a perfect sales process, but yanno what?: Neither does he.
Nor does Ryan, nor does any one. Because damnit we are human.
but back to Richard and Sarah.
I am able to admit this, I was so deep into depression that i could not possibly love him, because i hated myself.
At times yes I still hate myself. I am fat. and it’s a vicious cycle, one i am working very hard on stopping
Right here, and right now.
I resolve, One way or another i *will* Start working out. Not here at home, perhaps because frankly working out around mom is hard. She doesn’t do it and bitches because what i’m doing is taking up too much room. She won’t do it with me. She’ll just watch
what the hells the point?
So…Pilates, Yoga, something I think I will do.
I have a pretty good paycheck coming this next saturday, Maybe I should consider buying a Wii….maybe if it’s a game, I can get mom to do it with me?
or maybe when she gets a job at tuesday mornings or something along those lines.
But one thing I know I have got to start burning more calories than I eat.
Eating. there’s another one. to not eat crappy food, I will have to figure out how i can bring food from home to eat.
Problem there. There is no healthy places to eat in the mall. Well i could eat suishi every day, or subway. But I ate subeway so much when i worked there, that i found myself getting ill when ever I even walked past the store.
I do eat there at least once a week for a salad, It has become a bit more of a part of my world
But even then
Gah, well I have to go to work, this is me…vomiting thoughts here.

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